Facing My Face Down

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Patricia Berthelier
Facing My Face Down
13:22
 

Let me introduce myself to you (again).

I am Patricia Berthelier alias such_easeofbeing on Instagram.

Why this alias? Because I am ease of being in many areas of my life.

Not in all of them though. And I certainly was not ease of being when it came to selfies, some 9 months ago. Not much of a problem, you’d say. I agree. Or not.

Back then, I would shy away from taking selfies and posting them on socials - I had so many points of view about it. Also, that avoidance of visibility on social networks truly was a limiting limitation to my business. I would cringe from recording videos in which I was solo speaking to the camera. The mere idea that these videos could be posted on line and seen by others was even worse. So, I started looking at that because I got that there was more to it than it showed – or rather did not show in my case!

So, I set out to do just that. I looked at it, asked questions and chose to change that. And I started taking action after asking more questions. And here I am now, confidently posting selfies and videos on all of my socials, thinking nothing of it.

What a change in my world, what an achievement! And I even had a lot of fun on the way!

 Fast-backward to some 9 months ago, when I took my first series of selfies, at the age of 64.

My points of view then: my face looks too old, too wrinkled, too sagging or my eyes are too puffy.  My smile is too crooked, too lopsided. My teeth are too uneven, not white enough. And those ears of mine! Really, my face is so far from being enough compared to all those beautiful, dazzling young women I see everywhere, etc.

Also, there was that nagging thought that kept creeping up: you're too old and too ordinary for that kind of thing. Come off it!

Have you noticed? All those ‘too this or that’ that equate ‘not enough’. Judgment, judgment, judgment.

Because deep down I had that belief that when you grow old, you become ugly and unfit for 'public display' and that in a way you have to hide away and let aging take its toll on your body.

Another belief I had was that being ordinary was too far from perfection or beauty, and that I had better avoid showing my face on photos.

And there were so many other incapacitating beliefs, like the one that at 65, my life had been lived, so what was the point?

There were layers upon layers of beliefs that had been keeping me from choosing and really engaging with what I truly desired to create.

I was committed to that undoing part of the job, so I kept at it, no matter what came up. Anyways, it was pretty exciting – like peeling multiple layers of paint or wall-paper off a wall. Or like whatever simile would work for you – like stripping someone off their clothing layers maybe?

Were these beliefs mine? No. I had to acknowledge they were not. They were rooted in things I had overheard or read when a child or much later, that I had made mine and had lived by, even though I so knew otherwise. Such is the force of social persuasion. And of my personal power of persuasion, or self-delusion, that led me to believe what I had bought from others and that they called my lack of feminity, lack of beauty, lack of intelligence, lack of propriety, my inadequacy, etc was real and true. No wonder someone like that was not inclined to look at herself in the mirror or on photos or on videos!

Do not get me wrong here, no trauma or drama, I just find it so much fun that I could believe all those stupid lies for years, or rather that I pretended I believed them because they were so convenient to believe in (that will be for another time!).

 It took me some time and some work or play to blow up all that crap and to reach my own reality. But all things considered, not that much time since I had been weighed down by all these beliefs for some 60 years! Nine months for a new 65-year-old woman to be self-born. How does it get any better than that?  

Also, here is another great challenge I faced with that selfie thing: seeing my face on photos and realizing that I so looked like my grandmother. Guess what?

That was not someone I desired to look like. I had the sense that my face was betraying who I really was - someone unlike anybody else to start with. And above all unlike anyone from my family.

So, I rejected the fact that my face could look like that, plain and simple.

And in that, there was judgment, separation and rejection.

Recognizing that, acknowledging it without judging it, choosing again and again to play with those tricky selfies and self-videos, using such Access tools as would help me to go beyond judgment or self-deprecation, and being willing to see where that would take me – all that has changed a lot of things for me, and has made lots of other things become possible.

I'm so grateful that I did start to go down that road of unease with selfies and my face being put out there on socials or the web. It has allowed me to get out of judgment with everything about me and my getting old, and to start creating with and from it!

Ain’t that exciting?

For the last nine months, since my first true selfie (with only my face on it), I have managed to grow used to and to enjoy seeing my very dear imperfect face and self on videos and photos. How?

  • I have used the Access tools like the questions “Is this mine?” “What do I do with it?”, or "Interesting point of view I have this point of view about …" and all its variations for months.
  • I have committed to changing what was and to create something that works for me and my future.
  • I have played at taking selfies and at making videos with me solo-speaking to the camera on a daily basis for the first two months.
  • After that, I have looked at and watched these selfies and videos with no fixed point of view, no judgment, with kindness and allowance, and I have deleted all those that were not energetically congruent with who I am - by the way that is so interesting and fascinating to have an overview of who you are through that non-judgmental perspective.  
  • And for the last two months or so, I have posted/published the selfies and videos I knew were congruent with who I am and could contribute to the people they were meant for. Just for fun, just because I can do it with ease.

I have realized that I will never look 'good' on photos because I am unable to keep my face from moving, twitching or grinning, or doing whatever it wants to do, more than one tenth of a second. Photos being stills, the still of me will not come across well as it is not me.

How much more fun can it be to be that different from others, to be that different from one tenth of a second to another, to be always on the move so to speak? How much more can I enjoy being that different, being that weird and creating from there?

What else has become possible?

I am so so much freer!

Because when you stop judging yourself, your body or your face, there is so much joy to be had, and so many fears that dwindle to nothing.

Fears are not real, joy is real.

Joy is the path I am travelling towards that ease of being me in all things and changing the world.

 Of course, I still have some way to go in order to get to total ease of being with putting my no-matter-what-it-looks-like face out there. And other stuff!

Some old points of view still come fleeting by from time to time, even if they are no longer relevant to me - meaning that I'm not making them significant. After all they are not mine and they are not real.

I know I just have to recognize them for what they are. And get on with the work!

Besides, I know I am going to go the extra mile, I am that patient when exploring the unknown areas of my life and the space of possibilities that this exploration opens onto.

 Why on Earth have I shared all this with you? After all, I am not that interested in my face or myself for that matter.  It's just that I see so many people who, like me, avoid by all means to do what they know will take them to a greater version of themselves and will help others do exactly that too.

In French we have that saying: "Pour vivre heureux, vivons cachés." Which translates as: "If you wish to live happily, better hide away." That could well be one of the lies I clung on to the longest! 

What about you? What is holding you back? For I guess that if you have read this blog post that far, it is because we have experienced the same limitation. By the way, thank you so much for being here! 

                                                     

        Would you like to know about my next blog post ? Click HERE 

                      

Would you like to find out how Access pragmatic tools like "Interesting points of view" and questions can be used, or any other advice, to help you get free from what has been holding you back for weeks, months or years?

  • Have a look at my BRÈVES DE PAT video series (in French) https://bit.ly/3taloYt
  • Browse my other BLOG POSTS (in English or French)

         https://patricia-berthelier.mykajabi.com/blog

 

 

 

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